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| 12:58pm 27/01/2009 |
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Well...if anyone I know is still actually on LJ: Hi!
It's been a few years...I changed. A lot.
It's my last semester at NIU...graduating and possibly finding a 'real' job in May. Possibly sticking with washing dogs for awhile too..
I dyed my hair -- goodbye blonde!
My car got totalled because some kid crossed a median to smack into my car and kill it. I'm waiting for the insurance check to come in the mail so I can buy a new car...Well, so my parents can help me buy a new car. Or I'll end up with the van (here's hoping that won't happen!)
My new tv show is Secret Life of the American Teenager (and most recently Kyle XY, can you tell i don't have a monday night class?). Secret Life is like...the most horrendously acting show I have seen in a long time. Molly Ringwald is bringing nothing to that table. I would totally fuck that macho dude who knocked up the main character, I hope he's over 18...
And I think that sums up what is new in my life. Catch ya'll on the flip side, haha. |
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| steve irwin |
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| 06:34pm 04/09/2006 |
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Steve Irwin is dead. He got stung by a stingray in the chest. It is sad. |
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| Bye! |
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| 05:32pm 25/03/2005 |
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mood:  jubilant
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I'm off to Hawaii, bitches. Suck it. :p
(*is happy*) |
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| Gulpperies |
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| 03:33pm 08/12/2004 |
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mood:  cold
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I understand that some people are all really upset about Third Watch ending and stuff, and ya, it would be sad...But wouldn't it be worse for it to just completely suck? Think about Buffy -- it kept on going, and it shouldn't have. The final season was quite possibly the worst ever, and just my POV, but the ending completely sucked. Some things just have to be let go.
Order of Events I'm Doing Online:
1. Check Email.
2. Reply to LJ comments, read people's LJ's.
3. Go reply at CG and TW55.
4. Read some fluff.
5. Look up Briefs for Government and start to work on homework that involves the computer.
That concludes what I am doing. I'm sorry I can't really get on AIM right now, (We all know that if I did, I would never get anything done, because I would sit on my ass, and rp with you guys, and talk and talk and talk...And I have other things I need to do. Some of which help decide my future in life, and I'm sorry, but me doing homework, passing high school, getting into college, and not asking 'would you like fries with that' for the rest of my life, is a wee bit more important than going online right now. Especially cause Bonnie needs to get her grades up. Heh. |
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| Peachy Pie To-day |
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| 04:54pm 06/12/2004 |
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mood:  determined
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A more detailed entry later.
I am very edgy, moody, and not wanting to be bugged at the moment. I'll get to rp's when I can. I can't think of anything to do right now, because my mind is a blank. If you think it's pissing you off, try being me -- I haven't been able to write anything for months.
And so help me god, if people who cannot type out the word 'up' IM me again, I am going to loose it. |
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| Look What You've Done |
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| 03:23pm 24/11/2004 |
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mood:  calm
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We'll start of with colleges:
I've been accepted at Souther nand Northern. And I'm waiting to hear from ISU, which probably means I didn't get in. So...ya, fuck them. Oh well. So I'm probably going to end up going to Northern. If I don't fuck up this year of high school. Especially with math. Ya...that's going REAL well.
Next topic:
I'm missing skin on my ankle. My right one. On that bone, on the outer side...Ya. It hurts to wear sock without a bandaid on. And it's all bloody. Or it was, until it scabbed over, and then I put on a sock, and then I took the sock off, and the scab thus came with the sock, causing meh, Bonnie, a slight amount of pain.
I forget what I said in the last post. But I think it was friends only. Oh well.
Computer stuff:
I've gotten ride of Kazaa Lite ++ (ohhhhh), and now have emule. I don't really like it that much, but it's being nicer that Kazaa lite was, so it will do. I still must find some system that I love and I get along with though.
Weather: It's snowing. Mother fucker. I hate the snow.
Tonight: I'm running and errand....yes....*laughs* a little after five. I want to go out. Maybe I'll call people. Or maybe I'll sit at home and go to be early and get some sleep! OH MY GOD. That sounds so....heavenly. Seven. Ring.
Sorry, no one will get that, it's....never mind.
No Lost tonight.
If your not a hot older man....don't even try, cause you aren't ever really gonna work it.
I miss mah brudder.
If you understand that.
My sister....is....my sister. And getting annoying..er. Bah. I hope her and Lumpy make a record label and she leaves!
Okay, our bathroom -- is a fucking mess because of her. I have like, a single hairbrush, and a toothbrush, and she has all this shit around in bottles, and WAH!
Company tomorrow, holy fuck, I gotta go clean! |
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| I just -had- to do it.... |
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| 03:56pm 03/11/2004 |
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mood:  dorky
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It happened, get over it, stop saying how much he sucks. You may not have liked the outcome, but it's what happened, and Kerry conceded. He even told you to come together -- so stop complaining. It's not going to change.
Football lies.
Kaitlin's last day at school is on friday. She is moving...November 17th - 19th...somewhere between those dates I do believe so.
Cruz has a soup-ish like thing.
Tia has nice hair.
I have math to do tonight, I started NaNoWriMo at school in study hall, and it is going very well. I also have to read Othello, bring a lint brush to school, and ready for psych. Meh. I'll do the math. |
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| Snippet of a Post |
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| 09:16pm 20/10/2004 |
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mood: relaxed
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I participated in gym today!!!!! (This, is an oddity, especially considering the fact, that I actually played floor hocky, and didn't just stand there with a stick in my hand, and an unamused look on my face, that apperantly makes people think I'm all depressed and shit. Not true. I just don't enjoy gym, I'm sorry, it's definitly not one of my favorite subjects.... *starts singing* Theses are a few of my favorite things! I'm done now...) |
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| Away Away |
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| 04:49pm 31/08/2004 |
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mood:  giggly
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I got mah off-campus pass today. Here we go off-campus tomorrow! |
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| Doing Nothing |
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| 02:47pm 19/05/2004 |
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mood:  impressed music: Nothing!!!!
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I saw Amanda today! She was at York...she was all...standing there all of a sudden. And It was shocking. LOL. And then some kid walked in front of her in the hallway, and Amanda, you just kinda stood there I imagine, an unamused look on your face.
Anyways, English teacher is being a fucking BITCH today. Yes, BITCH. BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. I'm venting anger frustration.
Got our year books today. YAY! Not really, it's not all that exciting. My picture once again looks like crap, so i'm making sure none of you see it. lol. *sighs* I can hear our english teacher yelling, and here i am, not doing work. Oh well. |
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| Randomosity |
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| 06:28pm 18/05/2004 |
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Holds Ups: A lot easier to do with a medicine ball underneath you, holding you up...lol. You can even do it for a minute, and then everyone in your gym class cheers for you, because they know what you did, and think it's funny, and the gym teachers are like, what? And you're all, YAY!! I'M LOVED!
And that happened to me today. lol. Could you tell....?
I need to make icons.
Comedy Central is making fun of the menstral cycle. Or when we walk during swimming in gym, the teachers call it thee 'menstral march'. lol.
Law and Order is on.
The Mother is away until Wed. (not tomorrow, until thee next wed.)
Dashboard this Friday. Must find out how to get there. Hmmmm... |
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| Icons! |
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| 05:58pm 17/05/2004 |
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Two....so..there are two... |
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| 05:46pm 17/05/2004 |
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mood: grateful
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So ya, I redid the 'comment' thingies, and uh, my background went away, so i had to find a new one. I put Eliza Dushku up first, but Duckie said it made me look gay. Not that i really care, but then i was reading all this Acen stuff, and found this picture, and just ya...
Matt Brown dressed up as Sailor Brown!!! It was Drag Queen Matt!!! HAH! *points and laughs* Well...
Anyways, I had something really cool and interesting to write in here when i started out, but now i've forgotten it. So Ya, you just read this really boring shit. |
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| Rafting |
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| 05:16pm 14/05/2004 |
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mood: satisfied
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Okay, so went Rafting today with US History Classes. (thank god for mr. torney) So Rafting was incredibly fun. I was in a boat with Katie, Lydon and George. None of us have ever gone rafting before today. lol. I would just like to say that. But no one feel out, not even when we went over the first rapid or the dam. ^.^ It was raining ALL the damn time, and i was SO cold. When we got into the rafts at first, the guy that works there was like, are you shaking because you are cold, or because you are scared? I was like COLD! And Katie was like, she's scared. And i was like, my hands are so cold! So the guys felt my hands and was just like, "Okay then, it's because she's ice cold...." lol. I was like, DUH! I told you!
And when we ate, after the first rapid, Joe and Chris totally feel in. And it was SO funny. They were like, swimming back and Joe was all, "Save me, Mr. Torny, Save me!" And it was just great.
Then we took off again after lunch, and Sarah who was on a boat with Mike, Jimmy, and Some other Dude, wanted to push lyndon off of our raft, because during one of our water wars, he TOTALLY splashed a shit load of water right her face, and she was so pissed. So the guys get her close enough to our raft, and she JUMPS in. And then Mike and Jimmy paddled away without her. And she never did get Lyndon out of our Raft. But then we had to hall ass and paddle fast to catch up with the guys she was supposed to be rafting with so we could get her on, which btw, was right before the dam. lmao. So it was like, get rid of Sarah, go over Dam. (we didn't fall out YAY!)
And right after the Dam, everyone went off to this little stream thing to the right, (they call it Shit Creek. If you saw the color, and could smell it, you would understand.) So we went as far as we could by raft, and then we had to get out and walk. Muddy water. You could not see ANYTHING. Not to mention it was pure mud, slick and well...slick. So we finally walked far enough and there was this huge pond of deep water, and a water fall that led up to it. And behind the fall was a rock wall that was all wet, so we all climbed up and slid down the falls. lmao. It was so much fun! Katie feel five times in the mud, i feel none. But i did sink in the mud...
And Yay. That was the trip. My shoes and socks are getting thrown away. They were BROWN. I was wearing old crudy white socks....they are pure brown, almost black. And my shoes have so much mud/sand/wet leaves in them...it was aweful. But over all, the day totally kicked ass. I want to go back now, and do it all again... |
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| 03:14pm 09/05/2004 |
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mood: giddy
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Well, I wrote a fic. Aftering RPGing and reading everyone elses, I came up with an Idea. And The title, that's a funny story. I had this GREAT idea for a title. So i used it. And then i wrote my story, and let Nikki read it. And then i realized that i forgot the part about why I titled it the way i did. But then i fixed that, so here we go:
Closed Casket 1/1
There are so many things to think of here, now, standing at my brothers grave. All of the broken promises I whispered to him years ago about keeping him safe, leaving this place, remain unfulfilled. All of the things I told him I would do, how I would protect him, be by his side, be his brother, forever – were lies that I now cannot make right. I don’t know how we got here, but I know it’s not right, and there is no way to go back and fix it. I can’t just pull it apart and glue it back to together so that it fits perfectly. Our lives were not perfect, which led me to make those promises to you, and I think our not perfect lives made them into lies and things that I couldn’t ever do. Who I’ve become, is because of those things I told you. I wanted so badly to protect you, to help you pull through. Only in the process, I forgot what being your brother involved, I forgot how to hold you and take care of you. I forgot that no matter how old we were, I was still the older one, I was the big brother who was supposed to look after you and help you when you needed it. I left you all alone when you were obviously screaming for help, when I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I failed Mikey, there’s no doubt in that. He looked up to me, and I was supposed to steer him the right direction, I was supposed to lead him down the right path, not let him stray from me. He chose his path, and I chose mine. The right one. Or was it? Here I was, staring at my brothers grave, thinking I chose the right path, that he’d done the wrong. And he had – he went into a downward spiral, one I didn’t see soon enough. One I didn’t try and help him out of soon enough, before he was already in the eye of the tornado, the bad behind him and in front. I was the one watching, and I did nothing. Maybe I chose the wrong path, maybe I should have taken the fork in the road. There must have been an opportunity to save him that I passed up, so many opportunities to stop this from happening, some option I passed up so many years ago.
To my left, Ma is crying silently, the occasional whimper escaping from her throat. She has a death grip on my hand, her strong hand squeezing mine, transferring the pain into me. I know that behind us are some of the guys from the 55 – Davis, Sully, Monroe, Faith. I’d rather have them be up here, where I need them. But instead my father is next to my mother, offering comforting words that I can’t utter because I’m afraid that if I speak, my dam will break. The façade I put on for the day will disappear into nothing, and I will fall to my knees in tears.
Staring at his grave his hard, too hard for me, so I look up. I look up and let my eyes scan the graveyard, I let myself see all of the other graves, and wonder how many people here were once cried for, but now forgotten. I wonder when the last time was that someone visited them, when was the last time they were thought about. I don’t want to forget Mikey, I won’t them him become another one of the forgotten graves, a forgotten tale. And then I see it, the stone angel standing in the grass, her head down as if in silent prayer. I forgot about her; Fianna. No, not forgotten, pushed away in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to think about her now, I never did. I wanted her to become a forgotten tale. I know Ma would look down on me for even thinking of her at a time like this. A time when I was supposed to be thinking about Mikey. But I couldn’t think about him anymore. My chest gets tight just thinking about it, because I saw him. I talked to him the day before he got killed, and then I saw his body before I even knew that it was him. I’d been thinking about him so much that it hurt to even see or remember anything that he did, that he liked, anything that could be connected back to him.
It wasn’t like there was a ceremony going on now, because it had long since ended. Now we were just a family standing at my brothers grave, my dearest friends behind me, waiting for some word of what they should do. I don’t even think about it when I loosen my hand from my mothers grip and turn my head to look into her eyes. She must know me so well, know were I’m going, because she shakes her head.
“No. No, Maurice, baby, stay here…don’t go.” She’s pleading with me, but I can only shake my head, feeling the tears close to spilling.
My father’s voice is stern, but he doesn’t know what I’m thinking, where I’m going. He only knows that my mother doesn’t want me going, so that’s all the he wants. “Maurice! Come back here!”
I don’t oblige as I walk away from them, and walk onto a gravel path in the cemetery, feeling my friends gazes’ burning into me. I feel a few tears falling, and I quicken my pace, I have to get away from them. I know I can’t outrun the tears, so I outrun everyone who cares about me instead, hoping that it’ll make the pain go away. The tears are falling faster by the time I reach the grave, the stone angel in front of me, and I sink to my knees.
I used to come here with Mikey, after it happened. After she died. Mikey always made me come here, told me that I’d feel better if I did. I never felt better, and I still don’t, just like I know that no matter how many times I go to his grave, I won’t feel better. I’ll only remember how I didn’t save him, how I could have.
I trace her name with my fingers, her simple name. Fianna Dalry. Irish. Her father was the perfect stereotype. Drunk all the time, always at the bars. At least that’s the stereotype I knew then; Irishmen always being drunk. Her dad was a lot like mine, always hitting her. Always beating her into oblivion, leaving dark bruises on her arms, abdomen and legs. Never the face though, never letting anyone see what went on behind closed doors. Only I knew, because when I saw her, I could see everything in her eyes. My mother had those eyes, the ones full of pain, the ones that hide the bruises and darkness. So when I met her, when I found out her name, when I learned she was only a year younger than me, that we went to the same high school, I made it my job to be there for her. In time she became my everything, and I told her my every thought. She was mine, I was hers, she gave herself to me, put her life in my hands because she thought that I could protect her. Our families were alike, so it wasn’t as embarrassing when we’d be at the others house and have to leave because our father starting beating up on our mother. More than anything though, she understood why I took Mikey with whenever I went to see her. I couldn’t leave him alone, so I’d take him with, let him be with her mother when her dad wasn’t home, let him stay with us when her father was there.
I hear the footsteps behind me, four sets, and I recognized them. I’d listened to them so closely, that I don’t think they even knew. I’d studied each of them, because that’s what I do. I study people, try to make out how their lives were when they were little. Sully’s steps are heavy, coming down harder than the others. Davis almost clops when he walks, and Sasha’s are like a cat, almost non-existent. Faith’s are different. She has confidence, always does, and I don’t think she ever won’t, even in her weakest moments.
“She uhh…She died when she was eighteen. I was nineteen. I was gone, at the Rangers.” I tell them, not expecting them to understand. But they do.
I hear Faith’s soft voice, almost like she’s afraid to talk, “Your mom told us. That’s why we came.”
I lower my head, and feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. “She was pregnant.”
I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that. That I was a father, was going to be, before her father beat her to death. I remember I cursed myself so much, how much I hated myself. And Mikey had been there, in my darkest moment. Maybe he knew somehow, maybe she’d told him. Either way, he was there, even though he was already falling, he was trying to keep me up. If he hadn’t been there, I’m positive I would have killed myself. I couldn’t live with it.
“I was gonna come back from the Rangers…and be a cop.” He say, hearing my voice crack, “I was gonna take her away from everything. I was gonna help Mikey, keep him safe too. We were all gonna be a family.”
I feel a hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly, and I start to sob. Maybe it’s wrong to be here, crying over it now. But my tears aren’t just for that. They’re for him. I realize now that that was the moment I should have pulled him up, when he was saving me. Maybe I failed my brother then, but maybe I was supposed to. He pulled me up, and maybe we couldn’t both pull up on top. Maybe he realized he couldn’t be helped, because he didn’t want it, so he decided to save me. My selfishness is overwhelming, but if I don’t have it, there’s no way to not blame myself, and I take all the blame, and I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with not having him here anymore, especially because we were just beginning again.
At his wake, Mikey had a closed casket. They put him in it, but they still had to have it closed. The world didn’t want to see him like that, they didn’t need too. I never made it to Fianna’s funeral, although I somehow know that I would be unwelcome. Mikey went though, said it was a closed casket. I wondered how bad her father could have beaten her for it to be closed, but inside I’m not sure I really want to know.
Um Ya. The last paragraph is just kind of thrown in there. I don't know if i ruined it by adding the girl or not....Hmmm....
Oh! And Christopher is coming home today. *dances* And he's supposed to help with screencaps and making music videos. Not just stills, Music Video's of TW with footage. lol. YAY! |
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| 09:01pm 08/05/2004 |
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mood: awake
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I forget what i posted last time i did. I lost the remote in my not-on-earth state of being last night, but luckily, the remote has been found.
Watching Dangerous Child on Lifetime. God, I love this movie. Ryan Merriman is...kind cute in an ugly way. Know what i mean?
It's a humorous day today.
I would like to point out the fact, that when one person gets mad at me, everyone else does. It's like a fucking goddamned chain reaction. Let's all piss off Bonnie day!
Anyways, went to thee Salvation Army with Beth after school on Friday. Saw Jon there. What a weird child.
FBIToasterGirl2: how was chicago? did yougo?
uberloser: yep yep
FBIToasterGirl2: and....lmao
uberloser: it was okay
uberloser: apparently kaitlin doesn't know the definition of an indie store though
uberloser: and she wanted to go to sex shops
FBIToasterGirl2: they weren't indie? did you end up going to sex shops?
uberloser: we didn't go to the sex shops. i wounldn't. said all her straight friends are lame cause we won't go
uberloser: and the "indie" place...
FBIToasterGirl2: You seriously told her you weren't gonna go? Man, i bet se got pissed....
uberloser: she was. kept talking about how "lame" everyone is.
FBIToasterGirl2: oh! tell me what she said about me. I know she's uberly pissed at ;me.
FBIToasterGirl2: lmao
uberloser: she didn't mention u actually. she did say she was really mad at krisia though
uberloser: krisia actually wants to go to those shops, but her mom would never let her go downtown, so when kaitlin called her, apparently she didn't even bother asking her mom
uberloser: so kaitlin was mad at her
FBIToasterGirl2: Well, I told her before that Krysia was never gonna be able to go anyways. Everyone knows that...
FBIToasterGirl2: lol.
uberloser: yeah, i mean, krisia's mom came to check up on us when we wnet to the library aftr school |
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| Bitch and Skipped |
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| 05:50pm 04/05/2004 |
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mood:  hopeful
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In gym, I was like, so Mrs. Schulte, for the mile, i get some points right? And she looked at me, and started talking to Bridgette so i was like, loudly to beth, "I should get some fucking points, you know? It's bullshit. I dressed, I ran. I deserve at least SOME points."
And on the way into the locker room, i passed her and was like, "How about them points?!?!" And Dina was like, "Ya, Me too. We ran as fast as we could, not fast enough for Gym Nazi's though..." And we got glared at. lol.
And oh yay! Left English early. Didn't feel like staying. So yes. like, six people left. I hope she didn't notice. But i think she did. *shrug* oh well. |
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| Richard Simmons Makes a Come Back |
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| 11:47am 02/05/2004 |
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mood:  scared
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Oh dear GOD. My mother is dancing and working out to Richard Simmons. On DVD. *shakes head in shame* And she's trying to get me to do it with her. I rather think not. Richard Simmons is wearing PINK. And they are dancing to the SHOUT song. Oh God. I'm so scared right now, you have NO idea...
My mom is having a hard time keeping up to dancing with Richard and the people dancing with him. I'm sitting here watching it and i could keep up. This is sad.
I must go shopping for my father today, for it's his birthday tomorrow.
My mom likes this Richard Simmons thing, because, "They don't use all skinny people, I hate the ones with all skinny people"
Thank You for sharing mother.
OH! My mom is mad. The DVD is shitty. It's not working right. HAH! |
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